“If you are here, you have either experienced or are experiencing your babies loss, and I just want to start by saying I am so sorry for your loss, for your pain and for the season you are in. My prayer is that God will use us and our experience to bring you some answers, comfort or simply just to remind you that you know you are not alone.”
How to support bereaved families through Christmas?
I have felt the heaviness of the holidays approaching; last Christmas, we all sat by the tree telling my son that after 15 years, I was finally giving him a sibling. We took a picture, holding our scan photos with hearts full of joy. I cried tears of joy, saying this is our last Christmas before our blessing arrives. This Christmas, our hearts are filled with loss and grief. I can’t help grieve knowing that I would have been celebrating with Faith this year if I hadn’t lost her. Wondering what she would look like? How great of a father my husband would be. How great of a big brother my son would be. As a Christian, I know God doesn’t want me to dwell on the ‘should have’s”, and instead, I need to remind myself if it was God’s will, it “would have” been so.
Sometimes grieving families need a listening ear, support and a safe place to open up.
We have chosen to spend Christmas somewhere else to protect our hearts, avoid triggering memories this year, and make sure we find joy in this season. We are thankful to have the support around us to encourage us with our choices, and that got me thinking about all the other families I have spoken to recently that have shared their feelings of suffering, loss, and grief during the holidays. I wanted to share with you all the similarities of how we all cope and what has brought us comfort.
I hope that through this post, you will be able to be a comfort and support to loved ones during this festive season.
Remember those who have lost a baby. Acknowledge their loss by extending your love towards them. I know that acknowledgement can look different for each person, but here are a few ways you can support your friends, family and loved ones.
1. Where applicable, mention their baby in conversation.
When I first lost Faith, I was overwhelmed with so many people around me wanting to talk about her loss. It made me feel less alone; it made me feel like I was allowed to have a voice by acknowledging her life and my pain. It was also a reminder that God had blessed me with beautiful friends and family. Acknowledging Faith’s existence played a massive part in my healing journey, and it still does.
You don’t have to bring up the finer details, but you could ask them how they are feeling and tell them you are there to listen if they want to talk about anything. Loss/grief can feel so lonely and isolated. Reminding them that they are not alone will do more than if you say nothing.
However, be prepared to have that door closed on you as well; everyone handles grief differently. You may not be the person they want to open up to, and that’s ok, it’s not easy to feel pushed out when you see a loved one suffer, but it’s their grief, not yours and please put aside any offences and let them be until the time is right for them to open up. This post is more of a reminder to extend your love regardless of their response.
2. Buy them a personalised memory gift with their babies’ names engraved; if they haven’t named the baby, put a personalised scripture on it.
My home is filled with precious keepsakes gifted to me by friends and family. Yes, every gift brought tears to my eyes, but those emotions I needed to face were part of my healing journey, not the fault of the person gifting me. So as much as seeing Faith’s name was hard, it also filled me with so much joy, a joy to know that she mattered, her life mattered, that she is loved, she was being thought of and remembered. But most importantly, it also brought me so much joy knowing God surrounded me with so much love and support. So now I look at these precious keepsakes, see her name and smile.
Here are some personalised gift ideas that we received:
- Keyrings
- Plaques
- Candles
- Pocket heart
- Candleholder
- Keepsake boxes
- Baby loss angel
- Engraved Scriptures
- Memorial Jewellery (necklace, bracelets, charms)
- Framed Picture (with her name and date of delivery on)
- Light up moon globe with a picture of her on and her name
A lot of what was gifted to us was given to us by women who know the pain of baby loss, and they were gifted to us knowing what brought them comfort. I am so thankful to them for sharing with me what gave them comfort. IF something helps you heal in life, never be afraid to share that with others.
3. Include them into your plans, but be aware that they may not be feeling up to it.
When you know people are grieving, our first instinct is to give them space to grieve as a family. And in some cases, this is true; I know for us as a family, it was essential for us to heal. However, what isn’t helpful is to assume they wouldn’t appreciate the invite at least.
There is no harm in reaching out and extending the invite to your plans, reminding them that your door is always open to them and that they are welcome and supported.
After a loss, knowing that you are not alone and have a community behind you can be healing.
When I was told that I had miscarried the first time in 2019, I shut my feelings off, disconnected, didn’t tell anyone, and was isolated in my emotions as that is a stronghold Satan has had over me the majority of my life. Suffer alone and in silence.
The comments I got from the few people I told pushed me towards satan’s trap. But I know now that’s what Satan wanted, for me to be offended and isolated so I could suffer alone.
That was a very lonely journey to have been on. However, Losing Faith I promised myself I would not suffer in silence this time, I would be open and honest with how I felt, Satan would not win this time around. As a result, I felt so supported and loved that God has changed my heart forever. I will never suffer alone or in silence again.
By extending love and support and opening your heart and home to families after loss will do more than you can fathom.
4. Be mindful that the holidays can be a trigger or challenging for them.
Therefore, be gentle, be kind and remind them how loved they are by showing them love and support, even if it’s just a listening ear or a shoulder to cry lean on.
During a fun and memorable occasion, it can be easy to forget about those suffering, or maybe you are worried about bringing down the mood. (What a horrible saying, by the way! how can talking about someone’s pain bring down the mood?)
Or you may be thinking, let’s make this a fun event, so those grieving can be uplifted. Which is a lovely perspective to have but unfortunately, it is not always what people need. Yes, normality helps to put one foot in front of another in any stage of grief. But loss breaks hearts, and only Jesus can repair them as much as they would love to be happy and participate in the fun. But, unfortunately, their hearts could just be hurting too much in that present moment. So please be gentle with anyone who is grieving. Please don’t be offended or upset or feel like you have failed your mission of putting a smile on their face.
Seeing other babies could be a trigger. Seeing people happy can be a trigger; carrying the weight of their pain can trigger. Pretending to be happy can be a trigger. Being asked questions they’re not ready to answer can trigger. A smell, a song, a memory can all be a trigger. Just be aware of them not offended.
5. Offer practical support
Practical support is a vital part of supporting loved ones through loss. When we lost our baby, we were blessed with valuable support. Church family and friends blessed us beyond words.
During the holidays, you could extend some practical support to your loved ones. Below I have listed some ways you can help someone practically.
- Hot meals
- Groceries
- Cleaning
- Laundry
- Babysitting siblings
- Help with funeral arrangements
We were blessed with all of the above, but many families are alone. And you can step up today and make yourself accountable to be the support warrior God has blessed you to be to someone you love.
For scriptures for surviving the holidays whilst grieving, click the link below.
Tips on reflection:
The purpose of this post is to let you know that you are NOT alone in feeling what you have felt or are feeling. The pain, the confusion, the shock…It is all part of the process. I have listed below some “tips” simply sharing how I got through these times myself. I can only pray that you can be encouraged by them.
In no particular order;
- PRAY: Ask God to help you to not have a hardened heart. (See prayer below)
- WORSHIP: Listen to your favourite worship songs. (See list below)
- READ: Rest & meditate in God’s word (See list below)
- TALK: Talk to your spouse and brothers and sisters in christ, asking them to pray with or for you.
- FEEL: Remind yourself that it’s ok to not be ok! Remember God knows exactly how you feel and find comfort in knowing that he saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Prayer, songs and scripture that has helped me through this time. (and continue to help me)
Prayer:
Lord, I come to you today asking for your help. Please show me the people in my life that I can support today during the holidays. Please give me a spiritual discernment on being a support warrior.
Give me a heart towards those grieving, and I could do with the support this holiday season. Give me the grace and compassion to be of service to you in their lives. Please provide me with the tools that I will need and the strength to support them, whether emotional or practical.
in Jesus name, I pray, Amen
Songs:
Promises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1PonQaEtK0
Have my heart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3Skc4MQlqU
Praise you in the storm: https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=t5jhtjLt0pg&list=PLXhWe5uvEV3lyngDmZ08-Icoudzpuz00p&index=2
Scripture:
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Isaiah 41:10
fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (afraid), for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 18:28
For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
Leave A Comment