A year ago today…

I can’t believe it has been a year…

Usually, my posts consist of sharing to give you resources and encouragement. However, today’s post marks our first anniversary of losing our baby Faith. So, I just wanted to put my thoughts out there, hoping that someone can read this and feel less alone in the emotions they may be feeling and somehow relate to them.

It doesn’t feel like a year because 2021 felt like a blur. I didn’t anticipate life to take a standstill. But here we are one year on, feeling like it only happened yesterday. 

A year ago today, we “checked in” to our maternity suite, where we delivered Faith and spent five days healing and grieving together. Reflecting on this week has been highly emotional as leading up to the 30th, we had several scans and saw her active, kicking and healthy; that is why nothing could have prepared us for her loss. I will never forget the feeling of walking in to see women sitting in the waiting area to be taken through to their suites to deliver their babies. I remember thinking I am also here to give birth to my baby. However, I won’t be taking my baby home; it’s too soon for me to be here. We could hear babies being delivered all around us, which was taking my breath away. That room became our home for five days, they placed a bed next to mine so that my husband could stay with me.

At my first consultant’s appointment, she told me that I am classed as high-risk birth due to complications in my first pregnancy,  which meant my hopes to give birth in a birthing suite was out the window. I remember thinking how our words came true from a year before, just not how we imagined. Yet here I am, in the building, I never thought I would enter.

We all grieve differently, for me, grief is facing the pain head-on and letting God deal with my pain and heartache. All my life the devil has convinced me to suppress my pain and that led to years of depression and suffering. So now I say Lord this storm I am in, don’t remove it take me through it. I prayed that God wouldn’t allow me to grow hard heartened towards the hospital or this room in order for it not to be a constant trigger. Before we left the room we stood in prayer and asked the Lord to bless this room, which I know was a God moment. I have revisited the maternity building since and I am thankful that although it’s still painful it no longer holds a stronghold over my life.

As soon as we walked in, the feeling of devastation just crushed my heart into a million pieces. I have experienced losses; the feeling of being told I had miscarried, I was familiar with those emotions. But I will be honest with you, I was far from prepared for what my heart was going through or the grief I would experience. This experience wasn’t something I thought I would have to go through, especially after years of waiting and loss. Therefore, to have made it so far, all we had was hope, gratitude, and excitement. But God had different plans, and although we do not understand, IN HIM, we trust.

When I think of the devastation 30th January 2021 brought us, I can’t help but recognise God’s presence whilst we were there. I remember it being a prayer-filled day amidst the tears and heartache. I remember how the nurses looked at us with sorrow and the gentleness we received from our bereavement midwife throughout the day. It’s like they knew the grief we were about to experience. My heart cried out to the Lord, pleading for strength and for him to help us not lose our relationship with him. 

We played worship music while comforting one another; I sang and prayed through my physical pain every time I had a contraction. Looking back, I am thankful and in awe of how God was working in that room, not just for that day but the five days we were there. God made sure that we were a pillar of strength in every way possible towards one another, and together we faced the storm. 

This day will haunt me for the rest of my life; the image of the room will never leave my head. The labour experience to deliver a baby we couldn’t take home is a pain I will never get over. The cries of the babies being born around me will be a sound I will never forget. However, the presence of God is a feeling I will never forget, the strength He gave us, I will never forget, The time He gave us to grieve there together, I will never forget. To be honest, I don’t want to forget. It is part of our journey; it is part of our testimony.

God is not done with our testimony yet; this past year has been filled with grief, healing, physical battles, losses and more, but in God, we trust no matter what.

To our precious Faith, we will never forget the joy you brought us, the hope you gave us, the strength you gave us, the bond you brought us and most importantly, the purpose you have brought into our lives.

They say if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. This statement hits so deep because of the amount of truth within it.

We pray you are striving in heaving, looking down at us, proud of the legacy you left behind in our hearts and our lives. 

Until we see you again, we hope you know that we loved you then. We love you now, and we will love you forever.

Love mum, dad and your brother.