“If you are here, you have either experienced or are experiencing your babies loss, and I just want to start by saying I am so sorry for your loss, for your pain and for the season you are in. My prayer is that God will use us and our experience to bring you some answers, comfort or simply just to remind you that you know you are not alone.”

It is ok if all you wanted for Christmas was two pink lines.

Before loss and infertility, Christmas may have been your most magical time of the year. Eagerly waiting for the 1st of December to arrive so you could put up the tree, decorate the house and start wrapping your Christmas presents. Yet, it may have still been a season of hope and joy.

But after loss or struggling with infertility, Christmas no longer feels what it once did. For example;

  • Gifts seem meaningless. (No other gift can fill your void)
  • The sparkle of it doesn’t seem to bring you joy.
  • Mulled wine isn’t an option because you’re in a continuous season of “waiting.”
  • You may even find yourself feeling triggered by some of the following:
  • All of the baby gifts and outfits you once planned to buy on your baby’s arrival.
  • Seeing many women rejoice this Christmas with their hearts full because they are expecting. 
  • Watching families celebrate.

I want you to know that you are not alone, and I would like to give you some tips and encouragement to help you through a painful season.

It is ok…

It is ok if you are not full of Christmas joy and sparkle this year.

(But it is also ok if you are)

It is ok if you do not feel like going to celebrate or have a good time.

(But it is also ok if you do)

It is ok if you find it hard to be around friends and family who are expecting.

(But it is also ok if you don’t find it hard)

It is ok if you need to say no to invites over Christmas.

(But it is also ok if you accept them)

It is ok to set boundaries with friends, family or colleagues.

(But it is also ok if you don’t need to)

It is ok if you feel completely overwhelmed about everything right now.

(But it is also ok if you do not)

It is ok if you feel disappointed and maybe even shadowed with grief.

(But it is also ok if you don’t)

My point is there is no right or wrong regarding grief. Your journey won’t always look and feel the same, which is ok. If you feel the pain of the season, it does not mean you always will; if you don’t, it does not mean your love is less. Grief comes in waves for everyone. So remind yourself right it is ok…(however you may feel)

My Story…

Please note: I don’t share my experiences for sympathy; I share them so that you don’t feel alone in your thoughts. I know that that has helped me on my journey.

There are many Christmases my heart grieved and longed for a baby, even after early losses because I guess I never got to a point I saw having another baby as possible or becoming a reality. However, when I was pregnant with my Faith, that was the first time I genuinely believed that the Christmas of 2020, especially as we reached the “safe zone” when we told some of our close relatives that we were having a baby, how would be our last Christmas as a family of 3. I remember crying out loud on Christmas day, “This is our last Christmas as a 3” So when we lost Faith over a month later, Christmas had never felt the same. 

We took our baby announcement picture with Faith in front of our tree; when I look back at the picture, all I see is the joy on our faces, but I look back on it with pain and grief.  That is why last year every time I looked at the tree, my heart sank, so this year I decided against one. Of course, I still made it festive, but I knew I had to do what would be easier for my heart. 

That is why I have written this post to share with you some other things I have implemented to give you some ideas of things you can try or attempt during this rollercoaster season.

Here are some suggestions to help you manage during this festive season.

1. Be kind and gentle to yourself. 

  • There may be many expectations this season from friends, family, colleagues, etc. However, you must be kind to yourself first.
  • Prioritise self-care time, especially to take time to grieve.
  • Listen to your own needs.
  • Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel.

Ephesians 5:29 – For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.

2. Take time to remember. (This can look different for everyone)

  • Take time to reflect on every milestone since your loss,
  • Take time to reflect on the love you and your spouse have for your baby.
  • Take time to reflect on the hope getting pregnant gave you. (For some people getting pregnant didn’t seem possible, and knowing your body created a baby before can give you hope that it can and will happen again.)

John 16:22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again, and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

3. Do not feel obligated or pressured to celebrate.

  • If you find the thought of being around family and friends on Christmas day, do not feel obligated to say yes.
  • You can do something special to honour your baby instead and create some special memories as a family unit. We chose to spend our first Christmas alone as a family unit. (Not everyone will understand this, but you have to remember you have to do what is suitable for you and your family unit.)

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what the will of God is, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

4. Don’t put excessive expectations on Christmas or yourself. 

  • Expect the holidays to be different from previous years.
  • Set realistic goals and tasks during this festive season.

James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

5. Be open and honest about your grief. (To your loved ones)

  • Denying and suppressing the reality of your grief can cause so much upset and a massive setback in your healing journey.
  • Permit yourself to grieve and shed those tears. Remember, even Jesus wept. I read recently that crying releases excessive tension.
  • Face your anxieties and worries and depression; don’t deny it.
  • I read this recently and thought yep; this is on the money! “Pretending the nonexistence of depression only promotes its growth.”

Proverbs 16:13 Righteous lips are the delight of a king, and he loves him who speaks what is right.

6. Remind yourself of your Heavenly purpose.

  • If you struggle to remember your purpose amidst your grief, turn to the Lord and ask him for His grace, hope, love, peace, and comfort this festive season.
  • Ask The Lord to give you a Heavenly perspective.
  • Your heart may be hard but ask the Lord to soften it. 
  • Invite Him into your grief.
  • Take all your feeling to Him, ask Him to reveal any anxious ways within you, repent and ask Him to lead you onto an everlasting path.

Luke 18:27 But he said, “What is impossible with men is possible with God.”

7. Include your baby. (This one won’t be for everyone, I know a lot of women that find comfort in this, including myself, but this Is not for everyone, so be discerning)

  • Decorate a little Christmas tree with white lights and topped with a little star or angel to represent your baby.
  • Hang a special tree bauble. (Make it or buy one)
  • Say a special prayer to your baby.
  • Light a candle throughout the day.
  • Buy a little gift (This one I have not tried but I know many women who do this)
  • Donate a gift or one of our memory boxes.
  • Visit a special place in memory of your baby.
  • Write a Christmas card for your baby and keep it in the memory box.

8. Lean on the Lord

  • Pray without ceasing. (anything that causes you to feel hurt, pray)
  • Spend time in the word or meditating on the verses above)
  • Prioritise fellowship with fellow believers that can speak life into you.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

I cannot take away your pain, but I pray these help you get through this festive season a little easier.

Tips on reflection:

The purpose of this post is to let you know that you are NOT alone in feeling what you have felt or are feeling. The pain, the confusion, the shock…It is all part of the process. I have listed below some “tips” simply sharing how I got through these times myself. I can only pray that you can be encouraged by them.

In no particular order;

  •  PRAY: Ask God to help you to not have a hardened heart. (See prayer below)
  •  WORSHIP: Listen to your favourite worship songs. (See list below)
  •  READ: Rest & meditate in God’s word (See list below)
  •  TALK: Talk to your spouse and brothers and sisters in christ, asking them to pray with or for you.
  •  FEEL: Remind yourself that it’s ok to not be ok! Remember God knows exactly how you feel and find comfort in knowing that he saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Prayer, songs and scriptures that has helped me through this time. (and continue to help me)


Prayer:
Lord, thank you that your word says that you are close to the brokenhearted because I can find comfort in knowing that amid my deepest pain whilst my heart is breaking you are with me. Thank you that I don’t need to feel guilty for my pain or the tears I shed.

In my pain, I ask that you help my heart to stay soft towards you, lord; please help my heart to not become hardened through my loss. Want to draw closer to you, not away from you.

Please heal what’s broken, comfort my weariness and restore everything within me that’s been lost. I feel empty, and I ask you to fill me back up again. I do not know how to get through this, so I ask you for strength where I am weak, comfort for my sorrow and hope for my future.

I pray that you keep me and my husband united and as a family that, we remain open on honest with how we feel.

Most importantly, Father, I pray that you can turn mine and my family’s pain into purpose, this test into our testimony, and this mess into our message. Please use us to glorify you amid our suffering and point others to the cross. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.

Songs:

Promises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5m09rqOoxE

Have my heart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3Skc4MQlqU

Praise you in the storm: https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=t5jhtjLt0pg&list=PLXhWe5uvEV3lyngDmZ08-Icoudzpuz00p&index=2

Covenant Keeping God: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRmVBIpnIAk

Scripture:

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (afraid), for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalm 18:28

For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.