“If you are here, you have either experienced or are experiencing your babies loss, and I just want to start by saying I am so sorry for your loss, for your pain and for the season you are in. My prayer is that God will use us and our experience to bring you some answers, comfort or simply just to remind you that you know you are not alone.”
If someone asked me to explain life after loss, my reply would be, “it’s like learning to breathe again.”
You are learning to find the normal rhythm again. Because loss/grief can feel like either your breath is being taken away, or you can’t seem to catch your breath.
It is learning to walk through a day with normality again, without a pregnant woman, a baby, a pushchair, a baby or a child who would have been your baby’s age, going down a baby ales just stopping you dead in your tracks and then all of a sudden you forget how to breathe again.
I have found life after loss, in some senses, harder than loss; please let me explain this a little bit before you think, wow, how could life after being more painful?
After a loss, life moves forward for the world and everyone around you. (Naturally) then there’s the learning to heal, clinging to your faith and restoring hope that may have been lost.
But then there’s also the trying to conceive again; for some, their rainbow babies come straight away, and for others, it can be much more complicated.
(Please note, I know pregnancy after loss is devastating, and a baby does not replace the sorrow from your loss, I’m referring to the trying to conceive after loss challenges)
I fall under the second category; it has been a non-stop challenge after my first loss. I’ve had my rainbows but unfortunately lost them. So for me now, a rainbow baby will be a living baby I hold in my arms. The process of getting to that point has been the most enduring part. The constant tests, scans, continuous diagnosis, treatments, disappointments, losses, and more tests, scans, diagnosis, treatments and unfortunately, more disappointments and more losses.
On top of this, there are the constant pregnancy announcements which stop you in your tracks too. And these can be testing times, simply because you’re over the moon for them but just simply sad for yourself because they are reminders of what you’re striving for but struggling to achieve. As a woman, you feel like you, and your body is failing you. But this can then also come with guilt for not being able to be present for the people you love to protect your heart.💔
Going through all those emotions can take its toll on your mental and physical health, especially if you battle your health alongside it. I have been diagnosed with three Chronic conditions I live with daily, so it can sometimes feel like a constant battle! I refuse to claim them as mine, but I do face them. They are just obstacles I currently face alongside my grief.
Now I know this sounds loom and gloom, but I have to be honest; unfortunately, with grief at times, there will be times when it will feel that way, but there is hope.
Unless you’ve been through a similar loss, it’s hard to relate to, but for those who know this daily burden, it can feel like you’ve lost yourself or like you look in the mirror, and you don’t recognise the woman looking back at you. Maybe you were once a bubbly, full-of energy-kind woman, and now you barely find the strength even to get up.
There’s, unfortunately, no go-to book to tell you how you must feel; that would be impossible to know precisely how one’s heart endures such a loss. However, we can suggest things to one another that may help change our perspective, lighten our mood or give us tools that we can’t gather ourselves due to the chaos going on in our minds.
I hope that some of my tips/suggestions that I have tried will give you some ideas to implement yourself and hopefully make you feel less alone, and most importantly, help you to breathe again.
1. Be gentle with yourself.
Remind yourself that no emotion is a wrong emotion. What you feel is valid; make sure you don’t talk your feelings down like they don’t hold value. You matter a great deal, and so does your heart. Acknowledge what you’re feeling; some days, you’ll need to listen and rest; other times, that may not be 100% possible, and you may need to put your brave face on. Every day will look different.
2. Prayer through it.
Be specific with your prayers. Don’t withhold from the Lord what he already knows. Tell him your triggers, how you feel and ask him to help you through it.
3. Rest in scripture
Find specific scriptures related to the emotions attached to the triggers. Please read it, learn to understand it, and apply it. You have to believe that the word of God is living and active.
4. Talk to someone
Looking to God-led and professional counsel can play a massive part in your healing journey. Remember, you only have to share what you feel comfortable with. For some, suppressing can feel so heavy, and a burden shared can be a burden lifted.
Please note: Seeking help is not a sign of weakness; it takes strength to acknowledge how you feel and know that you’re so valuable that you will trust people with your heart and allow them to give you the tools and love you need to get through the season that you’re in.
I have my trusted council of friends, pastors and professionals helping me along the way. I wouldn’t be where I am today without them.
5. Be part of a community
It can help to find communities of women that know what you’re going through. If you need any guidance on this, please reach out, I’d love to point you in the right direction.
(Join online groups or physical support groups)
6. Take one day at a time
It is important to bare in mind that not every day will look the same, and that’s ok. Don’t plan too far ahead; be present in each moment and day. I find it easier to take those small steps consistently daily instead of huge leaps.
For the days you can feel what you’re feeling, here are some suggestions on how I might apply to triggers:
- Reflect on how you’re feeling and what’s triggered you.
- Note it to help you get to the root cause; sometimes, seeing it in front of you can help.
- Find scriptures that specifically speak to the emotions you’re feeling.
- Meditate on that scripture, speak it and recite it to yourself.
- Pray that scripture over yourself and ask the Lord to help you work through those emotions in a way that’s led by the spirit, not by flesh and trust the Lord to intervene.
- Take captive of every thought that’s weighing you down and make it obedient to the word of God.
- Cry if you feel like crying; suppressing can bring more harm. Remember that the Lord bottles up every tear and promises that He turns them into something beautiful.
- Rejoice in the Lord, put on praise and worship music, and practice putting on an attitude of gratitude. Ponder over your blessings no matter how big or small
- Share: Share with someone how you feel, ask for support if you need it.
For the days you are not able to face your triggers, and you have to put on a smile and press through:
- Still make a note of how you feel (write it down)
- Call on the Lord and ask him for strength and patience to get through your day.
- Lay out your burdens and heart before Him and ask him to intervene.
- Find moments in your day to “be still”, like during your breaks, lunch breaks etc.; during these moments, meditate on scripture and let the word of God be living and active in your day.
- If you can, let the people around you know that it’s a tough day for you and thank them for their patience with you. This isn’t always possible, but I’ve found when I can, this helps.
Final application/suggestion:
Remain as solution and purpose focused as you can. I know life after loss can be filled with so much pain, and it can be challenging to see the blessings in your life. But that is what pain does; it masks the joy within you. That woman you were before your loss is still in there. Instead of thinking you’ve lost her, start to tell yourself there is now a new version of her that is more resilient, stronger, wiser and determined. Learn to walk in hope daily, and remind yourself of everything and everyone who brings you joy. Learn not just to breathe again but learn to smile again. I promise you that allowing yourself to be happy does not mean your grief isn’t important; it is not acting like it never happened. It is simply allowing yourself to find the joy in your life that was overshadowed by your pain and sorrow.
Please let yourself be joy-filled again. Notice I did not say happy again; instead, joy-filled. Because happiness is based on your external circumstances, but joy is based on your internal. That kind of Joy that comes from the Lord, so even when your heart is heavy, you will still experience a joy that surpasses all understanding. You deserve to smile, find hope and believe with expectations that better days are coming because they are.
Finally, can I remind you of these wonderful truths, You are worth more than your pain, you are worth more than your sorrow. You are not a failure, your life is not over. I promise you, God has plans to prosper you not to harm, those plans are to give you a future filled with hope. In God’s perfect timing, may your heart find a peace, a joy that surpasses all understanding. God Is not done with you yet!
Tips on reflection:
The purpose of this post is to let you know that you are NOT alone in feeling what you have felt or are feeling. The pain, the confusion, the shock…It is all part of the process. I have listed a daily prayer of mine, songs and scriptures that helped me through these times myself. I can only pray that you can be encouraged by them.
Prayer, songs and scripture that helped me through this time. (and continue to help me)
Prayer:
Lord, thank you that your word says that you are close to the brokenhearted because I can find comfort in knowing that amid my deepest pain, whilst my heart is breaking, you are with me. Thank you that I don’t need to feel guilty for my pain or the tears I shed.
In my pain, I ask that you help my heart stay soft towards you; please help my heart not become hardened through my loss. I want to draw closer to you, not away from you.
Please heal what’s broken, comfort my weariness and restore everything within me that’s been lost. I feel empty, and I ask you to fill me back up again. I do not know how to get through this, so I ask you for strength where I am weak, comfort for my sorrow and hope for my future.
I pray that you keep me and my husband united and, as a family, remain open and honest with how we feel.
Most importantly, Father, I pray that you can turn my and my family’s pain into purpose, this test into our testimony, and this mess into our message. Please use us to glorify you amid our suffering and point others to the cross. In Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.
Promises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5m09rqOoxE
Have my heart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3Skc4MQlqU
Praise you in the storm: https://www.youtube.com/watch? v=t5jhtjLt0pg&list=PLXhWe5uvEV3lyngDmZ08-Icoudzpuz00p&index=2
Covenant Keeping God: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wRmVBIpnIAk
Scripture:
Psalm 34:18
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Isaiah 41:10
fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (afraid), for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
Psalm 18:28
For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness.
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