“If you are here, you have either experienced or are experiencing your babies loss, and I want to start by saying I am so sorry for your loss, for your pain and for the season you are currently facing. My prayer is that God will use us and our experience to bring you some answers, comfort, or just to remind you that you know you are not alone.”

There I was, in my hospital delivery suite listening to babies being born all around us. My stomach still looked the same. My boobs were swollen and sore. My hormones were still all over the place, causing sickness, basically all the signs of still being pregnant. Then, thinking to myself only two days prior, I saw my baby girl moving around, her heart beating away, and there I was with my womb empty and our baby in my hands.

Where do we go from here? How do I even catch my next breath?

I know this sounds deep, but this is the reality of grief. I know if you are going through this or have gone through this, you know the feeling.

At the time for us, grief was just to lay there numb, in pain, reminding ourselves that we could not lose our faith as well as our baby. So “next” for us consisted of praying and pouring our hearts out to God, pleading for him to comfort our broken hearts and crushed souls. It was in this moment that “Faith in Heaven” was birthed and why you are here reading this post now. We knew that these actions were not in our own strength, because our flesh was suffering, broken and weak.

Yet all we could think about was how much love and support and prayers we were receiving from our brothers and sisters. And we kept talking about how much harder it would be for families who do not have that support.

Our lesson here was that following God’s word by sharing our burdens to our brothers and sister and by bringing our mourning to God is what we’re called to do amid our suffering. Because when we do, we find ourselves in situations we can’t even fathom, like finding purpose in the midst of our pain.

Below I have included a prayer that we prayed to prevent our hearts from becoming hardened towards the hospital staff and experience or even God. We did not want to feel any more emotions than we were already feeling. I know someone reading this will need the same prayer.

What now?

Before having to deliver our baby, we were asked if we wanted to take photos and if we had any beliefs, and we were handed a booklet with information on funeral options; the four options were;

  • Private funeral arrangements by family
  • Communal cremation (cremated with others)
  • Individual cremation
  • Burial (8 babies per grave)

I will be honest with you; this was highly overwhelming as we had no experience even knowing what private funeral arrangements consist of, never mind having to plan one. We were not given any information on how the private arrangements work, so we initially opted for the individual cremation; we were advised this could take up to five weeks. However, five weeks later, we had not heard back from the hospital. So our midwife gave us the details of an excellent private funeral director not too far from us who helped us immensely. We then had the Chaplin come around and pray with us and over Faith (our baby girl’s name) which brought us so much comfort. So please, if you can, even if you feel spiritually weak, I encourage you to have the Chaplin or your pastor come and pray with or for you.

After this, we spent five days in hospital due to placenta complications. My husband was allowed to stay with me those five days, and we used those days to release our pain and feel to heal. We talked for hours about how we felt, we prayed together and watched sermons on grief, which I cannot stress how much that helped us. It gave us a biblical perspective to truly feel at ease to know our baby was with Jesus, and one day we will see her again. Does that take the pain away? Of course not, but did it give us a sense of peace and comfort? 100%.

I hope this post can remind you that it is ok to grieve and cry out in despair. However, it is my prayer that you can also feel God’s presence throughout it all. May it be a comfort to you to know that we serve a loving and merciful God that hears the cries of our hearts and is waiting with His arms wide open.

Prayer: (Replace me/my for we, us, our if you are praying it together with your husband/partner)

Father God, help me to see where my heart has gone cold, hard, and dry. I pray for a softened heart, an unselfish love, a compassionate spirit towards ourselves and all the medical staff. I thank you for Your holy presence, the love and gift of Jesus! Help me experience You more deeply. Holy Spirit, I pray for Your wisdom and guidance in my heart, but also in the hearts of those around me.

Please help me find peace and acceptance and move forward, leaning in on you for healing, strength, and guidance. Please help me see past my season of weeping and have hope in the season of joy that is to come. Please help me to glorify you above all else, and may your power be perfected in my weakness as I grieve and heal.

In Jesus name, I pray, amen

Songs:

Promises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1PonQaEtK0

Have my hearthttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3Skc4MQlqU 

Praise you in the stormhttps://www.youtube.com/watch? v=t5jhtjLt0pg&list=PLXhWe5uvEV3lyngDmZ08-Icoudzpuz00p&index=2

Surroundedhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpd12nQ82vw

Scripture:

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (afraid), for I am your God; I will strengthen you, help you, and uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalm 18:28

For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord, my God, lightens my darkness.