“If you are here, you have either experienced or are experiencing your babies loss, and I want to start by saying I am so sorry for your loss, for your pain and for the season you are currently facing. My prayer is that God will use us and our experience to bring you some answers, comfort, or just to remind you that you know you are not alone.”

The moment I saw those two lines:

After years of battling secondary infertility, health battles and previous miscarriages, that second line finally appeared!!! My heart became so overwhelmed with love. I instantly felt tears of joy strolling down my face. I remember running to my husband in tears, yelling out, “there are two lines, there are two lines” when he finally realised what I was saying to him, we cried and rejoiced together.

For months I embraced the beauty of having our baby grow within me; every single day, I just rested in Jesus, and nothing else in life seemed to have mattered; obstacles no longer felt like obstacles; I was filled with so much happiness. Even whilst feeling the effects of morning sickness, I still praised Jesus through it as I felt so blessed just to be pregnant. (I am not saying that I enjoyed that season as I was bed bound with sickness for months, looking and feeling like a HOT mess, but I was joyfully grateful.)

As a family, we rejoiced and looked forward to our family becoming a four. Whether you have children already or not, the feeling of your family growing is just as magical; we all have a different story. We were so eager to see our baby that we booked an early scan to see her heart beating away. We were already nearly two months gone, and every single day our hearts grew more and more in love as we planned the journey towards welcoming a new life that we created into this world just months away.

The moment my womb became a tomb:

Fast forward several weeks, we had finally reached our safe zone, and we were given the all-clear, and we were told that all was well, which was a relief knowing I still had a subchorionic bleed, so we were delighted to have reached our second trimester. Then the most challenging week of my life came.

We had faced a week filled with A&E trips due to bleeding and three scans later, all showing that our baby was wonderful and well. Then just two days after my midwife wanted to update their system due to my scans not being logged from another hospital I was taken to, they called me in for a scan that changed my life forever! As I laid there alone, I didn’t even notice the silence in the room as the sonographer silently did her job; It didn’t even cross my mind what she was about to say due to seeing my baby two days prior all well and kicking. But then I heard the words I never thought I would hear, “I’m so sorry there is no heartbeat”, which was the moment my world around me instantly came crashing down, it was in that moment my heart had felt a loss in a way I’ve never felt loss before! My soul felt crushed instantly; I cried tears of sadness that I had no control over; my heart felt like it was breaking and was being suffocated. When my husband joined me, I knew how much we loved our baby girl because of the magnitude of our sorrow and continued to share.

We knew God was in control, but that does not take away the pain at the moment. A loss is still a loss even when God is present.

The nurse comforted us whilst going through the following steps. She told us that we would have to come in the next day to deliver our baby; my first response was to please put me to sleep! There is no way I can bear such pain or experience, but she comforted me and said I know it’s hard, but I promise you it’s the safest and best option for you. (I am glad she encouraged me to go down this route as I wouldn’t have changed it.) If you have to make the same choice, I recommend you pray about it before closing the door to meeting your baby.

But again, this is different for everyone; you may know deep down that’s not the right choice to make for you and your family, but if it’s fear and pain holding you back, pray about it first.

Coming home with my baby still inside:

That night I laid in bed broken; if I am honest, part of me wished she was no longer inside me whilst her heart was no longer beating because the pain was unbearable. But looking back, if I could have spent days with her still inside my womb, I definitely would of but. But when you are in the middle of such trauma, you’re not thinking straight; that’s why I am writing this post to give the woman my insight, hopefully bringing clarity and comfort.

The feeling of knowing your baby is still inside, still seeing and feeling your bump yet knowing your baby is no longer living in this world, is a numb, heart-wrenching feeling. For me, it was a feeling that made me run to God in complete despair like never before. I say this with so much caution and care as I know it can feel and be the opposite at the time.

God has been my source of strength during this season, and he can be yours, but you do need to lean on him wholeheartedly, your brokenness and all. Sometimes we run in the opposite direction for many reasons, and the beautiful thing to remember is that God knows our hearts. He already knows our pain, so we do not need to hide it from Him. But we do need to abide in Him for Him to abide in us.

Tips on reflection:

The purpose of this post is to let you know that you are NOT alone in feeling what you have felt or are feeling. It is all part of the process. I have listed below how I (we) got through these times. I can only pray that you can be encouraged by them.

In no particular order;

  •  PRAY: Ask God to help you not to have a hardened heart. (See prayer below)
  •  WORSHIP: Listen to your favourite worship songs. (See list below)
  •  READ: Rest & meditate in God’s word. (See list below)
  •  TALK: Talk to your spouse and brothers and sisters in Christ, asking them to pray with or for you.
  •  FEEL: Remind yourself that it’s ok not to be ok! Remember, God knows how you feel and finds comfort in knowing that he saves those crushed in spirit.

Prayer, songs and scripture helped me through this time. (and continue to help me) 

Prayer:

Lord, thank you that your word says that you are close to the brokenhearted because I can find comfort in knowing that amid my deepest pain, you are with me whilst my heart is broken. Thank you that I don’t need to feel guilty for my pain or the tears that I am shedding.

In my pain, I ask that you help my heart stay soft towards you Lord, please help my heart not harden through my loss. I want to draw closer to you, not away from you.

Please heal what has broken, comfort my weariness and restore everything within me that feels like it has been lost. I feel empty, and I ask you to fill me back up again. I do not know how to get through this; I pray for strength where I am weak, comfort for my sorrow and hope for my future.

Please keep me and my husband united and, as a family, help us remain open on honest with how we feel.

Most importantly, Father, I pray that you can turn our pain into purpose, this test into our testimony, and this mess into our message. Please use us to glorify you amid our suffering and to point others to the cross.

In Jesus name, I pray, Amen

Songs:

Promises: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1PonQaEtK0

Have my hearthttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3Skc4MQlqU 

Praise you in the stormhttps://www.youtube.com/watch? v=t5jhtjLt0pg&list=PLXhWe5uvEV3lyngDmZ08-Icoudzpuz00p&index=2

Surroundedhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpd12nQ82vw

Scripture:

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Isaiah 41:10

fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed (afraid), for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Psalm 18:28

For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord, my God, lightens my darkness.